Reporting from the 2018 Cynics Convention
Once again, the annual Cynics Convention convened in Hoboken. The contestants came from all around the country, even though they knew none of them would win. The Convention’s purpose: announce the 2018 Cynic of the Year, and after months of practicing their scowling and snide remarks, each contestant felt ready for the big dance.
The Convention met in its usual venue—some stupid convention center. “Who even cares,” said this one guy, when asked for comment.
It was a night for the mediocre history books. Like every year, the contest consisted of three categories: doom-saying; fatalism; and general wet-blanketry. This year’s judges were Whiney Nosebottom, Crumbly McNyeahh, and Reince Priebus. Hosting the ceremonies was Snively Harumph, former regional director of the Make-A-Wish Foundation.
The first order of business was addressing some subjectively sad news: the parade would be cancelled, on account of a possibility of rain at any point in the immediate or distant future. “But that doesn’t mean we can’t still sit quietly,” Mr. Harumph was quick to add.
And then, of course, came the big moment. “Ladies and Gentleman or whatever,” Mr. Harumph sighed, producing an envelope. “The 2018 Cynic of the Year… is Mr. Craig Joy.”
From the audience, a clearly disgruntled Mr. Joy stood up and shambled aimlessly into the aisle.
“Mr. Joy has been described as a classic ‘cynic’s cynic’ and ‘some jerkwad,’” Mr. Harumph continued. “A true student of the craft, he pulled through at the last moment on his way here by telling a little girl her dress looked frumpy.”
As Mr. Joy crossed the stage, quiet remarks could be heard from the audience, particularly Brian Blahman, the contest’s runner-up. “Eh, it was a stupid contest anyway.”
Mr. Harumph gasped. “Ladies and Gentleman,” he said, snatching the aluminum trophy from Mr. Joy’s grasping claws. “In an unprecedented turn of events, recent remarks force me to declare a new 2018 Cynic of the Year!”
Turned away from yet another meaningless award that really wouldn’t have changed his life in any measurable way, Mr. Joy slipped from the edge of the stage and fell onto the pit band, breaking his hip because that’s just his dumb freaking luck.
Brian Blahman received his award and gave a speech or something, but it doesn’t matter what he said because probably nobody was listening, and if you think it’s weird that such a contest would be held so early in the year, well, nothing is going to change over the course of this dumb year, anyway.
The 2018 Cynics Convention is brought to you by Ipecac, Preparation H, and yelling in traffic.